A Gentle Reminder

Sometimes I wonder why I write about the same things over and over. It may be that I'm just stuck somewhere, or maybe it is just the way I look at the world; maybe it's just me. And maybe it's both!

Anyway, here it is, the description may be a little subjective, but it is to make a point.

Today we received a most interesting little visitor at our office. So out of place, he immediately captures your attention being the only 5 year-old in a setting of monotonous 20 to 40's, the conspicuous curls of his dark hair barely reaching the desktops around him. He walked behind an 'uncle' triple his size. He walked in straight stringent strides, his big brown eyes fixed in front of him, absolutely terrified of this new setting of these towering 'old people' and their piercing eyes which he anxiously avoided. He even blocked out communication, and when pressured to answer he looked aside and put up his hand with fingers outstretched to answer the question 'how old are you?'

Minutes passed, faces grew familiar and the threat of piercing eyes dissolved into smiles that softened his defenses to the point where he could make eye contact, and maybe answer a question. "Oh no, I broke the car!" was the first complete sentence. A sentence indeed; "I think it would be better if I leave, I am only disturbing you" is what he would have said had he known what he was actually saying. The fragility of his little soul so undisguised. Please handle with care.

Those who thought he was cute and overwhelmed him with their generosity soon discovered their mistake. By now, he was king of the Tall Ones. "Come bow before my greatness, place your sacrifices of candy and coloring pens at my feet and be gone." Shouts. Complaints and orders.

Soon it would be time to leave, he would not want to leave all these nice big people who gave him so much and expected nothing more than a smile in return. The parting could be so violent as to squeeze out a few tears. He would go home to mommy and tell her all about the big people and what they did and how he broke the car and got all those nice coloring pens. Then he would fall asleep after an overwhelming day, and in his dreams, he would swordfight pirates with cardboard rolls and bask in the warmth of the gentle feminine smiles that filled his day.

When our little visitor wandered into our world and so delightfully unraveled the layers of his transparent soul right before our eyes, I was paralyzed with shock at what I saw. I did not see a 5 year old stranger. What I saw was the onion of my own soul being peeled, layer by layer and waved around for all to see.

If we all were to appear our real emotional age, our little visitor would be the only one who is not out of place. He would just be the visitor who is going home in a couple of hours. But we would be like a kindergarten class out on an architectural field trip, all be too short for the desks and all that paper would be a haven for building castles and paper planes. And all those coloring pens!!

You would find me, looking all 5 years old and nerdy with glasses and fresh scabs on my elbows digging dirt out of the flowerpot in the corner, trying to find a bug to gross out a girl.

I'd be out there all alone, stringently staring at something, too terrified to move a foot forward until the repeated niceness of everyone creates some solid ground out of the mush I'm standing on. Then I might exchange a glance with someone, and maybe a smile, then maybe a word or two.

I'd be jealous of all the big tough guys because they are all bigger and tougher. And would love it if one of them endorsed me as his protégé, then I can be big and tough like him. I would gross out all the girls with bugs to disguise my utter vulnerability to that feminine gentleness of their warmth and pretend that I couldn't care less if they were all blown up by aliens.

But when I go home to my bed, I'd cross my arms behind my head, all 23 years of me, and stare at the ceiling and the thousand images in my head, all the little situations that molded my malleable soul like putty. I'd wonder if I were big enough like the big guys, will I one day drive a big car and boss some people around. I'd wonder how long I can pretend to resist that sweet feminine charm. I'd wonder if one day I'd be a good husband, or a good dad? Would I raise my kids to be 23 at 23? Or will I just be a kid raising another kid.

The next morning, I would wake up with a sigh and be off to another field trip.

~Dedicated to Adham, and all the spontaneity of his age.

Mirror

i didn't realize how annoying i sound until i heard someone who sounds just like me!
i need to shut up more...